I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
15
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
16
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
17
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
18
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
19
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
20
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
23
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
24
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller
25
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Phyllis Diller
26
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
27
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
28
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
29
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
30
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
